


Worthy

by MagicStick



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Character Study, Childhood Memories, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Men Crying, Naked Cuddling, POV Alec, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Short & Sweet, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:43:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicStick/pseuds/MagicStick
Summary: Because my heart is broken beyond repair, I decided to write this. Thank Skieskat on twitter, and send her lots of hugs. She deserves some lovin'.I don't know what to call this, so lets go with “Alec Lightwood is a human being and he has a lot of feelings“.I added a little bit of myself into this, I hope that's okay.It may be a little triggering, so please be careful.Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Please be kind if you feel like leaving a comment.Beta'd by Emily ❤#SaveShadowhunters





	Worthy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skieskat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skieskat/gifts).



Ever since Alec could remember, he’d been taught that life was expendable. His life was expendable. The only thing that mattered was honor and the calling. He didn’t truly matter, only in the sense that he existed to serve a greater purpose. No one said this to him like that, it was just how he interpreted it. 

 

The law is hard but it is the law. 

 

He was reprimanded when he wasn’t good enough. He was never praised when he did well. His emotions were a distraction. Having passion was dangerous. 

 

He never allowed himself to want anything, convincing himself that what he had was enough. Wanting more would be selfish. 

 

So, he learned. Adapted. He closed his heart off completely. He didn’t fight for himself. The will to fight had been punched out of him - literally. 

 

His will to live got less and less every year, but he kept going. But only so his siblings wouldn’t be treated the same way he was. By the Angel, if they ever went through what he did… 

 

No. Alec made the choice when Izzy was born that she would never go through what he did. Then when Max was born, he made the same promise. When Jace arrived, things changed. 

 

Jace was perfect. He was strong, handsome, hard working, outgoing. Everything Alec wasn’t. Or so his parents kept reminding him. 

 

But Alec never held it against him. If anything, he admired Jace. Somewhere along the way, he started noticing Jace in  way he shouldn’t have, realising his sexuality wasn’t…what people expected of him. 

 

Liking Jace never made Alec feel proud or happy. Liking Jace only proved to Alec how much of a disappointment he was. But no one would ever know. Alec would make sure of it. 

 

And yet, Izzy knew. Somehow, she always knew.

 

But no one else would. 

 

He always comforted himself with the thought that he and Jace were so similar. They both had their own personal demons, and they both kept quiet about it. 

 

But then Clary Fray arrived, and everything changed. Even through his parabatai rune, he felt Jace change. He felt when Jace fell in love with her, he saw how Jace would light up. 

 

His jealousy wasn’t about his crush on Jace. He was Jace’s shadow, Clary helped Alec see that. And it hurt. 

 

He would always be second to everything. Second strongest Shadowhunter of his generation. Second most important person to Jace. 

 

With Clary’s arrival, Alec’s world crumbled. He realised that he had given up so much just to exist. 

 

Then he met Magnus Bane, and it was like a switch was flipped. Suddenly, Alec felt. 

 

That statement alone scared Alec. He wasn’t allowed to feel. He didn’t know how to. And with each moment he spent with Magnus, he felt more and more alive. 

 

For the first time ever, Alec  _ himself _ felt like he mattered. 

 

For the first time ever, Alec wanted to live. To love. 

 

And for the first time in a long time, Alec felt like he had a purpose. That maybe his life was worth living, to make someone else happy. And through that, he felt the need to be happy. 

 

Never in his life did Alec think that being happy would involve having his cheek squished up to a man's chest. 

 

Alec had never been much for affection. He loved his family, and that had been it. There were a few comforting hugs, rarely ever words, and to be honest, affection just was never shown. It had always been about duty, honor, and the Lightwood name. 

 

He had no idea what just a little bit of physical affection could do. He’d always turned away from it, even pats on the back from Jace had his skin crawling. He was so used to it being out of pity for his situation, that he didn’t ever look at it as a way of comfort. 

 

And yet, laying on Magnus’ bed, resting his head on Magnus’ chest, their legs still tangled and their skin still glowing after a night of love making, he felt it. The comfort. 

 

Possibly, for the first time in his entire life, Alec felt as if he was exactly where he was meant to be, and it was a scary feeling,. 

 

To say that Magnus saved his life was only partially true. Falling in love with Magnus was what saved Alec’s life. It opened his heart to so much more than he could ever dream of. 

 

Magnus shifted in his sleep, and the arm around Alec’s waist tightened its hold. 

 

What even was his life before  _ this _ ? A steady heartbeat under his cheek, a warmth surrounding him, not suffocating, but strong enough to protect him.

 

It was like being born all over again. Okay, maybe he was being overly dramatic, but no one could blame him. 

 

No one would blame him. And that meant everything. 

 

It was so strong, so overwhelming, that it brought tears to his eyes. And it wasn’t the first time he cried, and it wouldn’t be the last. 

 

“Alexander?” Magnus’ voice rough with sleep called him, and Alec’s defenses collapsed. And Magnus understood. 

 

He wrapped Alec in his arms and held him as he cried. 

 

Alec finally had what he’d always wanted. 

 

Someone to call home, feeling his own worth.

He was worthy of love. 


End file.
